Alright, buckle up, folks, because the most American thing imaginable is about to happen: a Tesla dealership on the National Mall. Yes, you heard that right. Forget the Lincoln Memorial, forget the Washington Monument, because now you can get your very own Cybertruck right next to the hot dog stands.
Picture this: Donald Trump, fresh from scribbling Tesla prices on his speech notes (“$299/month or $35K,” because who needs accurate figures?), and Elon Musk, looking like he just beamed down from Mars, cutting the ribbon on “Trump’s Totally Terrific Teslas!”
“Folks,” Trump booms, “these cars are the best. Believe me. The best. And I’m going to buy one. I’m going to write a check. A big one. For, like, $80,000. Maybe. And my granddaughter, Kai? She’s getting a Cybertruck. She deserves it. The best.”
Meanwhile, Elon Musk, in between tweeting about dogecoin and whatever intergalactic project he’s currently funding, nods approvingly. “Yes, these vehicles represent the pinnacle of human ingenuity. And also, they’re really, really cool.”
Of course, there’s the small matter of Trump not being able to drive. “I haven’t driven in a long time,” he admits, “but the staff will use it. They’ll love it. The best staff. And they’ll get to use the HOV lanes, while the rest of you losers sit in traffic.”
And what about those pesky EV tax credits? Well, with Trump’s presidential salary, he’s probably a tad over the income cap. But who cares about those details? Besides, he might take a dollar salary again. Who knows? It’s all very flexible.
Let’s not forget the protests. You know, the ones about Musk’s “politics” and Tesla’s “declining global sales.” Apparently, people are vandalizing showrooms and being generally disagreeable. But Trump’s not worried. “A very small group of people,” he dismisses them. “They’re just jealous. They wish they had a Tesla. A beautiful Tesla.”
And despite his past reservations about electric cars (“against everybody having an electric car”), Trump is now a Tesla superfan. Why? Because Elon Musk is his buddy, and apparently, that’s all it takes. “He’s been treated very unfairly,” Trump declares. “Very unfairly.”
So, next time you’re in D.C., skip the Smithsonian. Head straight to the National Mall. Get yourself a Tesla. Get a hot dog. And remember, in the words of Donald Trump, “It’s a great product, as good as it gets.” And also, a great photo opportunity.
